The course of true love never did run smoothLysander
– A Midsummer Night’s Dream
The rain has been coming down hard this week.
I laid in bed and heard the rain patter on glass. I felt as though someone was throwing delicate pebbles at my window to get my attention. I couldn’t help but to get up and look outside. The rain was coming down hard, but it felt safe. I decided to go for a walk. I was hoping the rain would act as a baptism for the karma I’ve gained over time. I wanted to be washed away from all that has hurt me. I wanted the chance to start new, before the expectations, and before the real world intervened on my fantasy. I wanted to be happy.
With the rain covering my face and the wind pushing my body, I felt as one with the Earth. The sound of the wind swept into my ears making it seem as though I was at the peak of the tallest mountains. I could feel my energy shift. I was letting go of expectations that were making me feel trapped. I was releasing myself to the winds of change and I finally felt free.
As I was walking I remembered a thought I’ve been thinking about for a few weeks. It felt as though it was more of a premonition. It’s strange how something that never happened can seem so real. In the vision I have a wedding dress in my hands and I hang it on my wall. No nails or tape, I simply place it on my wall and it stays.
I feel an indescribable sense of peace while holding it. It feels warm and comforting, similar to how he makes me feel. I’m not mad at the dress, and I’m not crying. I put the dress up and take a deep breath, admiring the new decoration I have in my apartment. The feeling is peaceful. Looking at the dress I feel safe.
The thing is… I don’t want to wear a wedding dress on my wedding day, so I believe it’s what the dress represents rather than what it physically is.
Maturing is a hard thing to do especially when it’s asked of you at such a young age. So many obstacles get in the way both internal and external, some new some old, but with the right guy it’s worth it.
When things get hard it doesn’t mean that the person being pursued is not the right one. Dating is about growth and learning what you want and what you don’t want. I was unaware of my detrimental expectations until I gave myself time to reflect. I was so worried about making the wrong choice of which guy I wanted that I desperately made one a hero in my mind.
I failed to notice that every fairy tale has a different plot. I didn’t have to be the damsel in distress, and he didn’t have to be the Anglo-Saxon hero always coming to the rescue. what I now realize is that reality was trying to help me. When you view somebody as having higher significance, it may skew your vision on your own worth.
But these mistakes can become a valuable learning lesson.
A few nights ago I had a dream we were in bed together. There was no conversation just tranquil energy, but when the outside world intervened things got uncomfortable. There was tension. I noticed when the noise of opinions and expectations cease, happiness and security have a chance to show, and that feeling of stillness shared alone made it worth it.
I realized I’m happy with reality. He’s everything I want in a guy, and to find that at such a young age is remarkable, but I used to think that wasn’t enough. I used to want my men to go above and beyond making them work for my love which thinking about it now that doesn’t make sense.
When I gave myself time to reflect I realized Peter was always better than Andy. When I really ruminated what I wanted and analyzed what they were offering from their souls, the decision was easy. No you shouldn’t read ahead and EXPECT that to be the truth, but you should have an idea of direction.
I realized as I was in deep thought, I don’t even like Andy. In all reality he irritates me. Every time I try to justify him I always get brought back to Peter and I never understood that. On the outside Andy seemed like the better choice, but on the inside I knew Peter was.
All the tribulation was from me and my expectations. When I put down the expectations and took off his armor and dismounted him from his steed, he was still prince charming. All of those extra personality traits I added meant nothing. Because when he became a normal guy, and an equal to my soul… it clicked.
I’m happy with a normal guy. He doesn’t have to prove his love for me. Love is supposed to be fluid, and with Peter it is. So, when the rain comes down there are two choices: stay inside where it’s familiar or walk out in the rain and be renewed and swept with the winds of change.